What not to say in times of crisis.
The other day an old friend texted me to see how my family is holding up. Like many others, we’ve had to forego several trips we’ve worked hard to prepare for. My husband has been training for Ironman Texas, my daughter’s AAU travel basketball season is on hold and for me, an opportunity to head to Colorado to record a video series. All cancelled. We’ve all been disappointed. When I gave my old friend a Coles Notes answer to her question by text the response was “Ahhh - first world problems.”
😳 Wow – this didn’t feel good. In fact I felt shame - I felt I was wrong to feel disappointed.
Like many of you, our family has aging parents we worry about. My husband and I are both self-employed and I worry about finances. I wonder how my daughter will finish grade 11. I also watch the news every day and feel heartbreak for those who are suffering around the world.
One of the cornerstones of conflict management is the use of empathy. Empathy is the ability to connect with another’s emotions even if you haven’t had the same experience. Social work professor and author Dr. Brené Brown tells us
“Empathy is communicating that incredibly strong message that you are not alone. When we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame cannot survive.”
With - empathy - shame - cannot - survive. It is our ability to show empathy that will help us get through these challenging times with relationships intact. This is not a time to judge, shame and ridicule. It will only divide us.
We are all very concerned for the health of our senior population. At the same time it is important to be mindful of the mental wellbeing of young people who are facing loss. For elementary, high school and varsity athletes the loss may be regular practices, tournaments, or even provincial, state or national championships. Grade twelve students are grappling with uncertainty around graduation events proceeding. At the very least there is a loss of normalcy, structure and routine which so many young people thrive under. Rather than minimizing feelings associated with loss, showing young people empathy is critical to maintaining relationship and supporting their mental well-being. It is also an opportunity to role model a life skill that will take them far in times of crisis in their own future.
Now more than ever with social distancing this is crucial. We are relying on technology for connection and to communicate. Where technology fails us is in providing non-verbal cues that show empathy.
Be careful how you respond when you ask someone how they are. This pandemic is impacting every single person on the planet and each of us have a story to tell. Every emotion connected to these stories is valid and not for others to judge. It is imperative as a citizen of the world to always be aware of one’s own privilege, however telling others what they should and should not feel is not that.
I have seen this pandemic bring out the best in people and the worst in people as every crisis will. What I am certain about is that we will get through this together as long as we put relationships first.
Empathy Tips:
1. Don’t offer solutions unless people ask for them. If you find yourself saying the words: “you should…” stop yourself. Sometimes people just need an ear not advice.
2. Avoid the term “At least you…” (have your health, have a job, have family nearby). This response is a form of shame.
3. Check in with people by phone, facetime, skype, zoom… 90% of communication is non-verbal. We miss so much when we text and e-mail.
4. If you must text - use emoji’s!!! 😉😘✊😢 These are our non-verbal communicators in a digital world.
5. Ask How can I help? Listen and then do what the person asks. An empathetic response does not question the request.
Stay strong everyone and don’t forget to lean on each other! Would love to hear your thoughts - please comment below!
